Saturday, January 06, 2007

What if...

After reading Lordson asking himself what if he was as nice as his sister, I thought I'd come up with one.

What if Caine does not exist...

Imagine if I were to cease to exist, my dad would be much happier, mom wouldn't be in so much stress, Ean would be the perfect son and Julia the perfect daughter.

If I were non-existence, my family would be living in much better house with a much better environment. There won't be so much arguments with me around.

If I were non-existence, Lordson and Mick would have been the best-est of pals. Lordson and I wouldn't have that argument 2 years back.

If I were non-existence, Suzanne would have been happier. Sharon, Priscilla, Dewgem, Esther & Anna would have one less annoying guy to put up with.

If I were non-existence, there would be one less sinner in this world. My ex school mates wouldn't be talking behind my back.

If I were non-existence, I wouldn't be feeling what I am feeling right now, everyone's life would be so much better.

If I were non-existence, that dumb jerko ol' anonymous who has been cowering him/her-self in my chat box would realize that he/she is talking to him/her-self.

If I were non-existence, I guess good ol' Lordson would be in a relationship right now ( No pun intended).

Yeah, so here's my rendition of what if.... However there's nothing I can do or say, I'm only human after all. My life is not mine to control, but funny thing is we are given free will to do what we want with our lives.

This new year isn't what I expected it to be. I never attend any stupid countdowns, because in the end it's beer, dancing, and watch those stupid fireworks for who knows how long. I just realized that this is my last Christmas, my last new year, my last Chinese New Year, my last birthday here in Malaysia. My current plan is that I won't come back for the holidays, but I probably hunt for an apartment or probably alias with the Michael dawson and the other Craigy youths, hopefully one of them would be kind enough to provide me lodging for that period of holiday.

I've been doing lots of thinking lately, some people have been telling me things, yeah...
I guess most of you are right when you said I'm running away from everything.
Seriously I wish I could just wish this life away, I wish I could solve those problems. But somethings are best left alone. So this is why this is my decision, this is what I want to do, immature as it may sound, maybe I just don't want to grow up?
I know it's time I think about my future, I did thought about it, in fact I've been in so much dilemma. My choice of career isn't a 9-5 job, and it's not a job where I can easily find. There are times I wonder whether I've made the right choice.

I've already reach my limits of my frustrations, emo-ness and all, I am this close to shouting out my frustrations! I've also faced death 3 times and survived, won't elaborate on that though.

I just started on this book by Joyce Meyer, it's called Battlefield of the Mind for teens. I just realized I'm no longer a teen. But it's ok, can still read.

Hopefully I can push myself to finish this book. I still have two more books on hold- The Bondage Breaker, Youth edition & Dirty Faith-

I guess I should start to learn how to really sit down and read a book. I mean, I know how to read, just that I never pushed myself to finish the book. So far the only books I've finished reading was, Star Wars Jedi Apprentice, and Satan's Last Storm.

Mom told me that Battlefield of the Mind is a good book, so I thought I give it a shot. Who knows I can really finish the book.

These are the two books I currently put on hold. Bondage Breaker (different cover though) and dirty faith.

Check them out whenever you can...

"Where love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in"
Steven Curtis Chapman



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